find summer, because sometimes winter is just too fucking cold
by bobbingformangos
Summary: "She was an accident. She wasn't supposed to happen. The tiny little thing was a mixture of magic and circumstance. Circumstance and magic. And she simply wasn't supposed to happen." (swan queen post s3 finale. with elsa swan mills.)


**swan queen with elsa swan mills. **

**raw. unedited. filled with feels. **

* * *

She was an accident. She wasn't supposed to happen. The tiny little thing was a mixture of magic and circumstance. Circumstance and magic. And she simply wasn't supposed to happen.

White magic mixed with a light lavender magic and it swirled, swirled, swirled around the two of you in a way that it looked like it was embracing both of you. For moments, you were embraced in something that felt like love, a love you couldn't comprehend, and both you and Regina basked in it.

In your love haze, you ground your hips into Regina's and you moaned at the way you slipped over her clit, your own clit thumping with blood, and soon the two of you were grinding back and forth, legs tangled and spread and cunts pressed against each other, and you were so desperate as you moved your hips into hers.

You came over and over again, wetness pooling between both of your thighs and bodies, each one more powerful than the last, and her nails were clawing against your back and her eyes were desperate, and it was only for a night, a night of falling into each other. It was a night, a week after Regina's heart got broke and you witnessed your parents loved story and both of you spent day after day saying hateful things to each other that lead to this very moment.

And as you came, hard, together, the entire room became lit from the power and brightness of your magic.

(You know that sex didn't mean anything, but fucking hell, why didn't you two realize that this meant the world?)

And then she was created, you suppose.

The magic watered a seed that was created from the two of you. It was complicated and didn't make sense but every magical resource confirmed but it was Granny who you trusted the most who make murmurs about pure magic and pure love and was this what was meant to be?

"He was my last chance," Regina had once screamed into your face, anger lighting her eyes. "You ruin everything, just like your mother."

But you weren't like your mother (you favored your father more, anyway) and apparently he wasn't her last chance and you were always a believer that the universe worked in odd ways and this probably had to be the biggest plot twist of your life.

Because there was a baby nestled safely in a womb, warm and loving, and it took many months before the two of you thawed the ice around your hearts. And it was finally then, that you stopped looking at each other with suspicion and looking around at the world waiting for it to end.

Instead, you fell asleep on the couch with your head in her lap or she fell asleep leaning against you as you read her poetry and soon enough you were under her tree whispering Mouthfuls of Forevers into her ear and soon she was smiling at you and one day you will actually tell her that you didn't make it up on the spot but it belonged to someone else but you figured, at the rate the two of you were going, Regina would caress your cheek, pat it, and crinkle her nose while whispering, "At least you tried, darling."

Your hearts became warm and summer settled into your bodies and this was what flowers felt like when they bloomed.

And she bloomed.

Deep inside, the womb warm and rhythmic, nestled under a steady heartbeat, she bloomed deep inside surrounded by her mother's voices, and her brother's voice, and her grandparent's voices, and her uncles' cries, and an entire towns curious and gentle well wishes.

Emma, you finally found it.

You finally found home.

* * *

Summer was in your hearts, like a warm hug, but all around you there was white and clouds and petal less flowers and leafless trees.

Thats when it happened.

She was born in the winter, a day that was covered in ice from the freezing rain that seemed never ending.

The mansion was warmed with fire and sweet smells from the oven thanks to your mother and Granny and there was someone in the family room playing the guitar and you and Regina were swaying back and forth to the music, lost in each other, knowing that any moment she would be there.

And who would have thought, the queen and the savior, birthing in front of the town?

But you could careless because you were a person and you had passions and interests and Regina actually took interest in that, in knowing about you, and discovered little things here and there and respected it.

So birthing at how with Granny as a midwife and family all around was a go.

Except when it wasn't and there was cursing and pain and finally, as the lights flickered and the house dropped ten degrees, she was finally here.

Curled between the two of you in the bed that you shared with a lavender blanket wrapped round her naked body. The door was shut and they gave both of you time to bond with her, to look her over, and to fall in love with her.

Because love didn't just happen.

But her icy green eyes and downy blonde hair and chunky cheeks helped speed it up and her gurgles helped warm your heart and then, then she suckled, greedy and hungry, and the life in her was contagious.

You fell in love with her as quickly as Regina did.

And when you lifted your eyes away from the tiny infant, you met the eyes of a woman who you had fallen in love with, whom the universe dubbed to be that part of your heart that you never knew was missing.

It was funny, how summer was still in your hearts as winter rested between the two of you, suckling and sighing in contentment.

* * *

When you didn't understand what you were feeling for Regina and the two of you had a sort of backlash at each other, Henry often told you to "let it go". Actually, he sang the entire fucking song but you were sure it was for him to sing the song than to actually give you relationship advice. Either way, it became a thing within your household and it stuck (Regina actually got pretty addicted to that song at some point too but you blamed it on her love for her son).

So, it wasn't hard to come to a decision to name the kid who was born in the middle of an icy winter, Elsa, because what was more appropriate that that?

So.

You name her Elsa.

For many other reasons too.

Okay, for one.

Yes, for that one.

She was the embodiment of Winter. A tiny little thing that brought a small chill to the room, but one that filled your heart with soft snow flurries of love and not overwhelming blizzards of hatred. She stayed close, always resting against your heart or Regina's heart and everyone respected that.

You shared in feeding duties, thanks to potions or herbs or whatever the fuck Granny whipped up, because you fear that both of you were jealous mothers who wanted to share in sustaining the small child.

You kept her close.

Wrapped her in your baby blanket.

And Henry crooned songs to her as someone played a guitar and your father kept making remarks that she, like you and him, had blonde hair.

And your mother, like Regina, kept making remarks at how filled with life.

And everyone, for the next week of her life, was completely content.

* * *

You hummed the fucking songs from the soundtrack to her as she slept between the two of you. As she grew, she was able to sing them back to the both of you. The tiny one year old, scrunching up her nose with a soft laugh, trying to form words with her small mouth always warmed your heart.

You and Regina were summer and Elsa was winter and it was the most beautiful combination.

She was one when you admitted that, yes, Elsa could make ice and snow. Her tiny fingers flexing out to create small little flurries, not powerful enough than tiny flakes dropping down so that Neal could catch them in his chubby little hands.

And she was two when you admitted that, yes, you might have inadvertently named your kid after a character who they might actually have inspired in some way or form. And, for a month, you even had a breakdown that you created the Snow Queen and the movie was foreshadowing and it was Mulan who was able to drag you out of your breakdown with laughter and a night rewatching her movie because all they were were movies.

Cause the evil queen didn't try to kill snow white because she was prettier than her and peter pan was really an old fucking man running from life and we know that we should never get you started on how Belle and Rumple ruined Beauty and the Beast for you.

So you didn't worry too much and you enjoyed your two kids and the small little girl, with wavy blonde hair that was always pulled to the side in a long braid who enjoyed playing in the winter and making her brother laugh and riding horses with her mommy and it was no surprised that by the time she was three that the magic you shared with Regina was powerful enough to create another tiny one.

You should have been surprised that it was another girl.

You should have been surprised that she was a red head.

But you weren't and, of course, you and Henry convinced Regina to name her Anna.

And Elsa was madly in love with her new little sister. Demanding that she sleep right next to the little girl, with a spring like brightness, and so she did. You or Regina would cradle one against your chest while the other cradled the other. And Henry, well, despite being a teenager, sometimes he would come cuddle behind one of you or at the foot of your bed, and you guys would fall asleep in a content rise and fall of your chests.

Because, a long time ago you learned to let it all go and Regina learned to let it all go and you both learned to love.

You had unthawed your frozen hearts and look, just look, what you created for yourself, Emma Swan.

* * *

"Ma, watch this!" Elsa giggled, the eight year old running around the green grass of the park. It was summer and hot and you sat on the quilt with the rest of your family as the blonde haired little girl, so similar to you as a little girl, ran around the part with her fingers outstretched creating beautiful patterns of ice that burst into flurries. "Mommy, watch!"

And you think of the magic lessons you gave her and the ones that Regina gave her and you smiled as your little girl giggled and laughed and soon enough, as always, Anna jumped out of your arms from her resting spot, red hair flying behind her, as she ran after her sister. Her arms outstretched as she followed the pattern with a giggle and laugh and she was happy and Elsa was happy and Henry was napping next to you and soon enough you found your way into Regina's arms and closed your eyes and listened for their laughter.

It warmed you and you, well you never believed you could have this.

But you did.

And it was perfect.

Until the laughter stopped and it was followed by a cry and soon Regina was pulling away and Henry was jumping up and your eyes popped open and there was Anna, looking so very tiny, your baby, on the ground.

Her lips turning blue and her face paling.

And Regina picked her up and looked at you with a face of worry but your eyes were on Elsa on the fear and the worry and the tears icing at the corners of your eyes and your little girl, your baby girl, was falling into a fate that you only thought was destined in Disney movies.

So you picked her up and you cradled her as she cried into your neck and you looked at Regina, whispering Rumples name, and the former Queen vanished in lavender smoke and you stayed there, on the beautiful summer day, and held the small child close, rocking her back and forth, as your family watched with worry filled eyes.

"I hurt Anna," Else whispered, devastated. Her voiced leaked with self hatred and it started to ice over your heart, hurt it, because your small child should never feel that, never ever feel that.

But she did and it hurt.

She hurt.

And you held her tight.

* * *

Unlike the movie that your family grew to love so much, Anna kept her memories but Elsa's magic got bound. A leather band around her wrist infused with a light binding spell that dulled her magic.

Only until she could control it, you whispered to yourself.

We'll work harder with her, Regina whispered to you.

I don't want it, Elsa cried at night.

She didn't want it.

She didn't want it at all.

Not if it meant hurting Anna.

So, like the movie, the small child withdrew from her sister.

It started with something as simple as requesting her own room to finding friends her age to pushing the tiny child away like their older brother often did to them.

Except you saw the pain in her eyes and you saw the pain in Anna's eyes and you looked into Regina's eyes and you guys didn't know how to make it better.

You tried.

You tried so very hard.

* * *

So did Anna.

And sometimes she succeeded.

And Elsa got better at her magic.

And life was good most of the time, manageable the rest of the time.

You were happy in these years, Emma, and so war your family.

* * *

When Elsa was seventeen and Anna was nearly fourteen, a new evil arose. This one bad, the Ice Queen from Narnia had teamed up with a few other big bads and waged a war that was terrible and hard and that called for you to pass through a fucked up wardrobe with your father and then Regina had to join followed by your mother and you fought and you fought and you fought.

And each night away you thought of your kids.

And how much you loved them.

And cared for them.

And your heart swelled because you held summer in your chest.

You felt it warm your entire body as the last magic trickled from the hand that was tangled with Regina's and you defeated them all, both of you together, defeated them all.

But, it began to get painful, your body becoming weak as both you and Regina let the last bits of your magic fall from your finger tips.

To others, you looked like rag dolls tumbling to the floor, but you didn't think about that.

You thought about the time Henry graduated or stayed up all night when Anna was a toddler, singing her to sleep in her fever haze.

You thought of Elsa and her soft smile and regal personality and how even though she looked just like you, she was Regina through and through.

You think of Anna's humor and her silliness and her imagination and how she believed in happy endings and could be as mischievous as you sometimes.

And you think of them all, of their smiles and their warmth and how much you loved them.

How much you loved Regina.

How, as you clutched her hand, you found home. You finally found home.

And you took your last breath holding Regina's hand knowing that both of you saved your family.

That they will live.

And be happy.

Even if it meant that their summers were gone.

They still lived.

* * *

They traveled away from the girl and she couldn't do it without them.

She couldn't control it without them and she knew, the moment that warmth escaped her body, that they truly were gone.

She couldn't leave her room when her grandparents brought their bodies back, hands clasped together.

The bracelet didn't work.

She was too powerful and her room became an icy prison.

It wasn't supposed to happen like this.

It truly, really wasn't.

Her brother's grandfather gave her a riddle and she was going to solve it.

She needed to fix all of this.

She had to fix it all.

From the very beginning.

It couldn't happen.

She couldn't hurt anyone and she couldn't loose her mothers and she needed them and Elsa, in her state, was as determined as a woman who was once a queen.

So, one night, Elsa kissed her sister on her forehead and she left the mansion in the middle of the night, dead set on fixing this.

She had to fix this.

She had to find summer again, because sometimes, winter was just too fucking cold without it.


End file.
